Dealing with Self-Doubt and Imposter Syndrome as a Christian in Graduate School

One year ago, I started graduate school straight from undergrad. Before beginning my graduate school journey, I had never really doubted my path. I knew I loved literature and teaching and wanted to continue my education with the goal of eventually becoming a professor of English. During my first semester of grad school, in my “Intro into Graduate Studies” class, I first heard of the term “imposter syndrome,” a mental state wherein someone feels his or her accomplishments are unmerited, and fears being exposed as a fraud. Even after learning about this mental state, and doing a brief presentation on it, I still did not feel any doubts as to my reasoning for being in graduate school during my first semester. However, after I started getting adjusted to life as a grad student and coming to grips with the secular reality of my proposed job market in English literature, imposter syndrome and self-doubt started to creep in.

Not only do I feel as if some of my work is unmerited or unworthy, but, if I continue stewing in this mindset, I begin doubting my purpose for being in grad school. I have a four-year degree in secondary English education. I could be out teaching middle school or high school and be getting paid a comfortable income. And yet, at least four times a semester, I have an internal dialogue with myself, questioning why the heck I am pursuing a graduate degree in something as narrow as English literature. I start to compare myself to others in the discipline, which encourages more self-doubt, as imposter syndrome comes to the forefront of my thinking. In this way, self-doubt and imposter syndrome becomes a reoccurring cycle throughout my years in grad school.

Now, don’t get me wrong, critically evaluating what you are doing is vitally important. If I didn’t think deeply about what I am doing, and was just going to grad school for fun, something would be very wrong. I can’t speak for everyone, but I certainly am not going through additional years of intense academic study, after having earned a four-year degree, just for the fun of it. However, at those times in the semester when I am encountering self-doubt and imposter syndrome, as a Christian, I must remind myself whose sufficiency I rely upon.

One of the major struggles I deal with is the unknown after completing my academic degrees. In the current climate, there are not many positions open for English literature, the reasons for which requires a whole separate discussion. It is almost like I am travelling down a really long passageway, but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hard I press on. However, I know who does see the light—God. At those times in my journey when I feel lowest and most unsure in my pursuit, God reminds me of His Word. In those moments when I feel most tempted to worry about the uncontrollable, unknowable future, Christ reminds me to “not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). When I feel the stresses of either my classes, departmental duties, or just life, I can remember that I can “cast all [my] anxiety on him because he cares for [me]” (1 Peter 5:7). While none of us are perfect in our walk in Christ, our goal as believers is to live for Him as much as possible. As we walk according to His will, we can be reminded that “No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalms 84:11). So, while I might not know what the future holds, I do know my God is faithful to those who love Him and walk according to His purpose.

My pastor made an analogy in church one day when talking about our anxieties regarding the future. Many times, we want to know how the whole picture will turn out, all at once. However, as my pastor pointed out, God does not tell us everything, not to keep us in the dark, but rather for our benefit. If God were to tell us everything that he would do to bless us in the future, we would not be able to handle such blessings.

Imagine you are thirsty right now, and your friend, who knows you need water, brings you three huge five-gallon Gatorade jugs filled to the brim with no cup. The water is what you wanted, but you won’t be able to enjoy the water in its proper manner. The only way for you to partake of the liquid blessing would be to dunk your head into the jug, like an animal, only to resurface with the realization that you have more than you need. And now you are burdened with the weight of numerous gallons of water; ironically, the thing which originally was a blessing has now become a burden. The right blessing for you at the time of your thirst would have been a cup of nice, cool water, that you could enjoy without excess.

In much the same way, God supplies us with our need only when we need it and not more. If we were to know all the ways God would provide for us, we would be incapable of receiving those blessings. Now is not the proper time for us to receive the blessings He has in store for us. Also, if we were to know all His plans for us, His natural goodness would overwhelm us, leaving us almost incapable of appreciating His goodness when He supplies it in the right moment.

This is all to say, in those moments when I feel lost, doubtful, and an imposter during grad school (or in life in general), God, through his believers, reminds me of His goodness and His Word. In those times when I feel unsure about my future, I am comforted in the knowledge that He knows, and He is directing my path. I need not worry in the face of the unknown because I know who holds the universe together. If God can save humanity, I know he can figure out a job for a nerdy English guy like me.